Sunday, February 26, 2012

Silence in my heart

Well, for the 2 of you who read my blog, I have been absent from the blog scene for quite some time. Not because I don't have anything to write about (because I had loads) but because I didn't feel it was the time to share them. God has been wrestling in my heart for some time now, about many different things. But, I kept them close to me, in my heart, not to be shared... yet. Now I feel like it is the right time to start to share a few things that have been wrestling in my heart.

First, I think one reason I didn't want to blog was because of this: I knew I had a calling to go to Africa, I've written about it several times, and how I was looking into different organizations and I wanted to go for 3+ months, Well, I still am no farther in going since the last time I blogged. For a long time I was really sad about this. It was frustrating to me that I would send emails and never get a reply, or if I did get some sort of reply, they would suddenly stop emailing me. I can tell you it was the most frustrating time I've been through in while. But through that God is still good. I started to really look and see if this was the time to go. I was so convinced on the time, I never stopped to ask God when HE wanted me to go. I was just assuming because I "felt like" August or January was the right time, it would be... but God works in different ways. When things weren't going as planned, I finally stopped and just surrendered it all to God. In HIS timing I will go. Now looking back, I am so glad I didn't go at that time. I am super involved in our Junior High group, and I know now why I was supposed to stay, to sow into the group more. The longing to go is still there. Just the other day in church our pastor talked about Katie Davis, and showed a video of her. As I am watching I am literally in tears. My heart longs to be in a place I have never been, I can't explain why, but I know soon (in God's time) I will be there.

I think another thing God is moving in my heart is my love for adoption. A few years ago, some friends of mine adopted the two most wonderful little boys from Rwanda, to say that these boys have stolen my heart is an understatement. It is so funny how two boys could make a huge difference in my life (even before they could talk!) My heart for adoption didn't start there, for as long as I can remember I always wanted to adopt. I've wanted 10 kids, 5 the natural way and 5 adopted ( I know I am crazy!!!) Also, I know in my heart I am supposed to be a mom. Over the last few months, I've had 4 different people at different times say casually to me "You know your going to be a good mom one day." This longing inside of me to become a mother I believe is a God-given, along with this desire to adopt. So how this relates to what God is doing right now?? Well I think within a few years (3-5) if i am not married, I would love to just adopt. I know the hundreds of reasons why I shouldn't or why it might be a bad idea, but I also know that this is something God is revealing in my heart, and I know if it's God will He will work out all the details. If I get married, I might adopt sooner, who knows. I just see a need i our world, and I can help:)

The other thing God is teaching me, is just the love for junior high students. I love my fuel girls so much. They are such a light in my life. God is doing great things in my girls. I am excited for what else God will do.

Well thats all I am going to post for now, I have a lot more but it will have to wait for another time.