Silence in my heart

Well, for the 2 of you who read my blog, I have been absent from the blog scene for quite some time. Not because I don't have anything to write about (because I had loads) but because I didn't feel it was the time to share them. God has been wrestling in my heart for some time now, about many different things. But, I kept them close to me, in my heart, not to be shared... yet. Now I feel like it is the right time to start to share a few things that have been wrestling in my heart.

First, I think one reason I didn't want to blog was because of this: I knew I had a calling to go to Africa, I've written about it several times, and how I was looking into different organizations and I wanted to go for 3+ months, Well, I still am no farther in going since the last time I blogged. For a long time I was really sad about this. It was frustrating to me that I would send emails and never get a reply, or if I did get some sort of reply, they would suddenly stop emailing me. I can tell you it was the most frustrating time I've been through in while. But through that God is still good. I started to really look and see if this was the time to go. I was so convinced on the time, I never stopped to ask God when HE wanted me to go. I was just assuming because I "felt like" August or January was the right time, it would be... but God works in different ways. When things weren't going as planned, I finally stopped and just surrendered it all to God. In HIS timing I will go. Now looking back, I am so glad I didn't go at that time. I am super involved in our Junior High group, and I know now why I was supposed to stay, to sow into the group more. The longing to go is still there. Just the other day in church our pastor talked about Katie Davis, and showed a video of her. As I am watching I am literally in tears. My heart longs to be in a place I have never been, I can't explain why, but I know soon (in God's time) I will be there.

I think another thing God is moving in my heart is my love for adoption. A few years ago, some friends of mine adopted the two most wonderful little boys from Rwanda, to say that these boys have stolen my heart is an understatement. It is so funny how two boys could make a huge difference in my life (even before they could talk!) My heart for adoption didn't start there, for as long as I can remember I always wanted to adopt. I've wanted 10 kids, 5 the natural way and 5 adopted ( I know I am crazy!!!) Also, I know in my heart I am supposed to be a mom. Over the last few months, I've had 4 different people at different times say casually to me "You know your going to be a good mom one day." This longing inside of me to become a mother I believe is a God-given, along with this desire to adopt. So how this relates to what God is doing right now?? Well I think within a few years (3-5) if i am not married, I would love to just adopt. I know the hundreds of reasons why I shouldn't or why it might be a bad idea, but I also know that this is something God is revealing in my heart, and I know if it's God will He will work out all the details. If I get married, I might adopt sooner, who knows. I just see a need i our world, and I can help:)

The other thing God is teaching me, is just the love for junior high students. I love my fuel girls so much. They are such a light in my life. God is doing great things in my girls. I am excited for what else God will do.


Well thats all I am going to post for now, I have a lot more but it will have to wait for another time.

Joy-filled thinking

So I've made it through 3 days of running. It's a lot farther than I ever thought I could go. Today is a rest day, but I will be at the gym, working out, but not running. Yesterday I had a hard time running. I defeated myself before I even got on the track, and because of that I didn't run as well as I would have liked. I only ran 1 mile. But it is still progress. I started reading (again) the book call The 4:8 principal It's about joyfull thinking, and how to have joy. It goes off of Philipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

It talks a lot about your thoughts and how they can steal you joy. This year I want my thought life to be pure. I want it to be positive. I am working on thinking, so I can do. I can't run 26 miles if I already told myself I couldnt.

Day 1

I can tell you that in the last year the farthest I've ran was probaby like from the front of metro to the back and that was hard for me. I can tell you I HATE running. But today I ran. I could have given up fast, but I didn't. I may have not run all 2 miles, but its not about the finish it's about the journey. Today I started a new journey. "a journey of a million miles begins with one step." Today was step one, tomorrow step two. I am going to be different this year, and I am excited for it :)

2011

So today I was asked, "What is your New Year's resolution?" Well truthfully, I think if I were to have one (which I don't really make them, because I just want change, not so much because of the New Year) I would say mine is to fine me. This may sound silly, but in the course of this last year, I think I actually lost who I am. I lost it to the lies of this world, to stress, to un-heathly habits, to insecurities, to loneliness, to fear, ect... I could go on but I lost myself in so much this year. I don't think I really realized I had done this until this month where I was searching for who I was. I haven't been happy with myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I act, and I hate how I think. Am I not a child of God? Then why am I not acting like it. I have been stressed out, easily angered, emotional, not healthy. This is not who I really am. I am joyful, friendly, smiliey, heathly person. So I am on a journey this year to uncover that. It's been hidden for far too long. I am done with the old, in with the new. So Monday I started a excerise program, and I am changing my eating habits. I am not so much on a diet as I am just trying to make healthier choices. Also, this year I am going to be desperately searching for God. I want to be so much more in love with Him. A friend of mine is doing a marathon for clean water. I am thinking about joining. Am I scared? Yes I don't even know if I can run one mile. But I am going to try, worst thing that could happen is I don't make it. But atleast I will try. This year is going to be an awesome year of growth. I don't ever want to go back to who I was. I am moving on.

Thankful

It's been hard for me to be thankful lately. I've been kinda discouraged lately, with a bunch of things. But I know that I need to be thankful during every situation. So here is what I am thankful for:

I am thankful for Jesus, who gives me life, and hope and purpose.
I am thankful for my parents, who might not show it all the time, but they love me a lot.
I am thankful that I have a house (not my own but I live rent free), a car, a laptop, a cell phone, food, clothes, a bed, water and other random things I "need" and a cute puppy who I love.
I am thankful that a I some good friends, ones who are there for me, and who help lift me up.
I am thankful I have people who I can look up to, that pour into me and help me to grow
I am thankful that I have girl in alive that I am blessed to have known and loved, some for 5 years, some for 5 months, but they are all beautiful and they are all growing into women who love Jesus with everything!
I am thankful that I get to serve in alive and fuel
I am thankful that I have had opportunities to go places other have never been able to go.
I am thankful that I have money so I can go see a friend this weekend.
I am thankful for people who believe in me, when I don't even believe in myself


I am thankful.

Today I was just thinking about the life that I live now, and how I know my life wont look like this forever. I was thinking of the cost I will pay to follow the call God has on my life. I was thinking about how difficult, yet rewarding it will be, and I was thinking about how easy it could be to not do it. It would be the worst but easy decision I would ever make. But I know its not even an option to take the easy route. It is scary and difficult, and lonely. Alot has been on my mind lately, sorry if this makes no sense, ask me in person.

Adoption T-shirt giveaway!

Hey friends,
I stumbled upon this family and they are selling shirts to help with their adoption, really sweet shirts! please give them a look!

http://reevesfamily-fun.blogspot.com/2010/11/fundraiser-fun-and-giveaway.html

REPLY

AHHH I finally got a reply. I could bounce off all the walls I am so excited. You see for the last 2 months I have been e-mailing and contacting different organizations I can go with to Uganda next year. And I have heard nothing until today. I finally got a reply. Today I was feeling so discouraged about it, and I was doubting I was supposed to go, but God is so faithful to His promises! I think this organization is going to fit well too. I am just so excited! wooohooooo :) Can you please keep praying I want this to be God's will! THANKS!